honestly, does anyone even have the heart to work today? i’m sure everyone’s mind and soul is not at their office, so if you’re at the office you just see soul-less bodies sitting at the laptops like drones surfing and glancing at the clock as if that one extra super-stare will make the hour hand just jump to 5

i baked cheesecake brownies yesterday..thank god it didint go awry as my laptop decided to die on my at the wee last minutes, so i just figured out the recipe myself (so its a good thing i’ve been salivating over the recipe for so many times) and baked it using my own instincts…i have to say i have good bake instincts my brownies turned out delicioussssss

ok raya is around the corner so i’ll be sitting tight for the next two hours (bruneians go back at 12 on fridays!) while i go find something more to do..

owh of course

Selamat Hari Raya Aidilfitir! Maaf Zahir Batin!

as the work piles on, and my mind slowly drifts back to kl
this blog collects dust (if it can) like a long forgotten book kicked under the bed
only to be rediscovered, when you want to read it again

again, its almost the end of ramadhan
the excitement of raya and the chasing of lailatul qadr
i am ashamed to admit that i have not been chasing well
running halfway short and panting with my hands on my knees

its a wonder how you can push yourself to do something you dont have any heart to do
but because of responsibilities, fear, commitment you put your nose to the grind and do it with all your might
and each time, you feel you die a little bit inside
wondering if there is ever anything more than this
wondering what happened to those childhood wishes – where you would save the world and a little bit more

does this sound like me being bitter?
or does it sound like i’m surrended
or maybe i just sound realistic
that life is like that, there’s ups and downs and round de loops just like a roller coaster
but have you ever wondered – once you come off the roller coaster, you always feel like it should be longer?

i’m not sure if i should write anymore
people that i’ve grown up blogging with have simply stopped
their last entry hanging like they would pick it up again
but never do
my hands are numb from the cold, as my metabolic rate plummet into death defying depths

for once after a long long time
i read you again
but i couldnt find you in your writing
so maybe after all this while
i’ve finally moved on
i wonder if you feel the same
maybe you do, maybe you dont
it doesnt really matter anymore

i’m not sure why but the fasting month brings back memories faster then i can say my prayers..memories of heightened hopes and dashed dreams, of friends long gone in their own race against the rats, of smiles and tears and new baju raya and of late night cooking and half eaten kuihs

this year somehow, i’m transported even more in the past..somehow it feels like i’m reliving some pained past experience that i’ve unknowingly suppressed..a past that needs to be reminded in order to be discarded..some past that needs to be reminisced before i can move on

i never knew i needed it, for so long i’ve let it be
so here’s to new beginings

and some cheesecake cupcakes!

there’s a big possibility that i wont be here after raya, and its kind of bittersweet thinking that i’m not going to be listening to charlene laughing at her screen, or joanne sudden off-remark about something, shaw fong’s random potshots and edwin and his two laptops, von vin superbly distinguished laughter, shyan trying to deflect shaw fong’s random remark, kah wai’s out of the blue conversation, farah giggling about hot guy and lina eating cheetos for dinner..

and yeah, movie buddy..lets not go there..hehehe

anyway my wordpress is getting more blergh nowadays and even my tumblr is not updated as often (my tumblarity is at a depressing 12)..i think i need a new camera and i’ve planned to get one with my bonus money..which brings to another depressing note that they are no increments this year for me

but oh well, i have my job now and seriously a quite spanking good year so i wont complaint and be grateful instead..although we all know how hard that is cause oh well humans are just like that

my entry is getting random-er and random-er so i think it will stay like this..if its gets to boring for you head on to my tumblr and see what more random stuff i’ve come up with..heheeh

there were no cars wrapped up in a bow, or diamond bracelets in velvet boxes..or a big ball where people dance and bring gifts from around the world and wishes in a hundred different languages

but there was my movie buddy, eating pasta and a killer dessert, my face everywhere, the baby blue box, almost crying, family wishes and the japanese buffet, eating 7 doriyakis and feeling too full, my birthday card on facebook, CUPCAKES, smashed but still yummy cupcakes and ended with the shutter (yup the horror movie)

so its no royalty birthday, but it was royal indeed

honestly, my stay at home has been on and off for the past 10 years or so. if you dont count the short stint of two years that i was back home after graduation, my life consists of being shipped of to some sort of educational institute or joining a rat race (although a slower race) somewhere other than kl…home has seem more of a boarding place these days..i rarely unpack, my stuff are in boxes, my makeup is eternally in a bag and my passport is of good use

i’m not sure if i’m getting tired of it..but i know it doesnt get any easier..saturdays seem to pass by even faster than the pre-requisite of it being a saturday, and sunday looms and glooms like there is no tomorrow..flights are like bus travel and you wish that they’d invent that supersonic boom jet tomorrow

but of course you get all the good things too, cheaper perfume at the terminal, appreciating your family more, car rides to the airport, late night car rides from the airport, stopping my mcdonalds at 1am and just some time for yourself in the train..simple things that can make the whole lot better

its getting melacholic, gloomy and all so i better stop here
too much too say but all seem locked up somewhere
i’ll write more when i find the key.

its weird how for me the happier i am the less i eat and the less i write
the less i eat maybe its because i have a constant supply of butterflies in my stomach (hehe sorry for the mushiness) so i end up just smiling to myself
which actually when i think about it is a win-win situation

but the writing less
hmm
is more complicated
maybe its such happiness that i just want to contain it in all to myself
or maybe its just so hard to write when you have so much to tell
or maybe i just dont want to share it cause well, its mine and mine alone?

so anyway
you make me happy that i can’t eat or write
hehe
you should be proud of yourself!
you know who you are

i have a draft post on being jealous..cause i felt a twinge of jealousy when i saw my friend getting engaged, new graduates full of hope and yet another friend getting married. after all, i am human am i not..but then again, on the other hand i have things that other people are jealous about so i guess we are even..sooo scrap that post… hehe

also, things have been going extremely well for me that being jealous just sounds so ungrateful…and again human nature bids that i forget all the good things that has happened..hehe so now i’m reminding myself to be very grateful

a friend is getting married..so of course it beckons a farewell-to-singlehood-in-brunei dinner..which in turn beckons another trip to miri because there is simply now where to have dinners (or date for that matter..hehe) in kuala belait..

anyway…all that aside..i can’t wait for the weekend…cause now i have a movie buddy!

1. i need to do my claims..my receipts are strewn across my bad along my cardigan from this morning and my kopi-oh..a pen to write unwritten receipts and my passport..i’m going home tomorrow and honest to go i can’t think of anything else..home is good..its like this place where you touch base and recharge and remember why in the world why you are in this complicated life after all..the smiles, the stupid inside jokes, the strength is just what you need to keep going

2. my life is one big guilt trip after another..feeling guilty cause i’m playing restaurant city instead of real work, feeling guilty everytime i eat something, feeling guilty cause i didnt loose 3 kg i promised my doctor nor did i do a lot of swimming, feeling guilty to my mom cause..(lets not go there), feeling guilty to my girlfirends cause i’m not there enough, feeling guilty to my girlfriends cause when i’m there all i talk about is myself, feeling guilty to my boss for being a sissy, feeling guilty for sleeping too much, feeling guilty for not increasing the air con temperature, and not using a hybrid car, feeling guilty for not doing my taxes (crap!) and a whole lot of myriad..i think this is the first step to acceptance..that i’ll always feel guilty

3. i dont remember what point three is…

4. i’m going home tomorrow..enough said